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24 November 2008 @ 09:58 pm
In-Stink-O-Cream (Lois & Clark, PG-13)  
Title: In-Stink-O-Cream
Author: starrylites
Recipient: ancarett
Fandom: Lois & Clark [between Season's Greedings and Lucky Leon; yes, I know]
Rating: PG-13 for a sensual moment
Word Count: 4200
Summary: Original Prompt: Lois & Clark working late at the Planet, but someone wants to play hooky. That someone happens to be a lotion-drugged Lois, influenced by a compound that accelerates and accentuates previously existing feelings.
Notes: As usual with my stuff, this thing doesn't take itself seriously, and gets a little over the top at times. If you haven't had enough by the time you're done with this thing, I would suggest whipping out your L&C Season 2 and watching Season's Greedings with the Dean Cain commentary on. Yes.

Lois Lane was bored, and dreadfully so. Usually on evenings when she was bored and stuck working late, it was easily fixed by pulling up Wanda Detroit, writing a snippet or two that reflected whatever was frustrating her or making it hard to work, and then she could get on with it. But she wasn’t really frustrated, irritated, or in a bad mood at all. Just bored.

Clark was sitting at his desk looking—boring? He was working, and even concentrating, but his back was stiff and his eyes practically glazed over. Maybe her partner needed a break, too. “Hey, Clark?”

He didn’t look up from his typing. Actually, it almost looked like he was typing faster. “What is it, Lois?”

“Maybe we should take a break and look at that new product Perry gave us?” Lois got up and walked over to stand behind him.

Clark glanced at her then shook his head. “We have this article to write, Lois. I think it’s more important to get it finished.”

“Oh, but Clark, this article is terribly boring.” She yanked her heels off and threw them to her desk. “I think we both need a break from the analysis article and this lotion stuff seems like it would be perfect.”

Clark sighed and dropped his pencil out from behind his ear onto his desk. “Lois, this was supposed to be finished first.”

“It was supposed to be informative and interesting. It’s neither.” Lois grabbed the box, mulling it over in her hands. Perry hadn’t even bothered to tell them what they were investigating, just to figure it out and see what kind of effects it had. She found the instructions interestingly vague for Perry, but that made it more fun. Lois ripped the lid off the box. A bottle of lotion fell out onto her hand, and she smiled. “Oh, see, I told you the break was worth it. It’s just lotion. We can test it while you finish writing.”

Clark appeared right behind her and Lois jumped. “Clark! Don’t sneak up on a person like that.”

“Sorry, Lois.” He snatched the lotion up into his hand and popped the lid, wrinkling his nose. “You’re welcome to test it, Lois, but I’m not putting anything that fruity on my skin.”

“Chicken. You should be more secure with your masculine side. Be a big enough man to wear Essence of Strawberry.”

Clark’s glasses fell down his nose and he righted them quickly. “I like to think the ability to operate and repair a tractor helps secure my masculine side.”

“Tractor repair is an important skill in Metropolis, of course. You’ll need it all the time, in constant demand.”

Clark rolled his eyes. “Yeah well, every man I know in Metropolis who wears Essence of Strawberry is living a lifestyle alternate to mine.”

Lois looked back at him, thinking of a witty comeback. True, to suggest that Clark lived an alternate lifestyle was like telling a tiger with fangs barred that he wasn’t scary. But she also couldn’t allow him to win. “Tell yourself that all you want, Clark, but I’m pretty sure I haven’t seen you go out with anyone since I’ve known you.”

“Not from lack of effort,” he snapped faster than she expected. Usually their banters ended with a resigned sigh and it just sort of fizzled out. This obviously bothered him for some reason. Most cracks didn’t get to him.

He turned and faced her, eyes set hard enough that his glasses fell again and he smashed them down onto the bridge of nose. “Besides, there is no requirement that says I have to tell my work partner everything about my social life. For all you know, I’ve been on plenty of dates when you weren’t looking. It’s not like I’m anything other a professional partner to you anyway.” His eyes were still angry, and there was a definite power behind that glower that made Lois want to crawl under the table. Maybe it was just the fact that Clark was never angry.

“Clark --“ The rest of Lois’ question got swallowed into a lump in her throat. She’d never really thought about her relationship with Clark, but she also was pretty sure that he wasn’t just the work partner. They acted like it was more than that. “Listen, you’re my friend, of course you’re my friend. Hey, I mean, we spent Christmas together! You were the only one that came to my Christmas Party.”

“You don’t always treat me like it, you know.”

Lois took a deep breath and shrugged a little, squeezing the lotion bottle a bit. “I know, but I have a problem with treating people well. I don’t reserve that just for you.” She smiled a little bit, hoping that it would encourage Clark to do the same. He didn’t.

He held her gaze for a long, terrible moment, then walked back over to his desk and returned to his typing. “You know, Lois,” he said, fingers in full motion, “sometimes just being a friend isn’t enough, especially when every time you try and take another step, you get blasted by excuses and objections followed by three weeks of being ignored. It really makes it hard to have a good relationship, no matter what kind.”

And with that, Clark had won. Lois had no return, nor excuse, nor response. He’d hinted to a date more than once, more than twice, probably more than ten times. Now that she thought about it, she wasn’t so sure he hadn’t officially asked. The lump in her throat got worse, and no matter how much she swallowed, she couldn’t get it to go down. Clark paused in his typing to look at her, but she couldn’t look him in the eye. She averted her eyes and popped the top open on the lotion.

The aroma was sensationally soothing. It prickled as Lois put it on her face; it had the bubbling effect she associated with peroxide, only rather than evaporating, it felt like her skin sucked it up. It smelled of strawberries, but of something deeper, better than strawberries. Although it didn’t have a distinctive smell she could pick out, it reminded her of clear skies and fresh grass, fresh sawdust and musky wood. It filled her senses with happiness, excitement, energy, and -- no urge to work in the slightest.

Lois got up and strutted to her desk, pulling a newspaper rubber band out of her desk drawer to twirl up into her hair. Hair messy and askew in the rubber band, she looked around the room for someone to play with. Her lips curled down as she realized it was so quiet because everyone else had gone home before her. Not even Perry was here! If Perry wasn’t at work, then she definitely didn’t belong at work.

The smell of grass and sawdust got stronger and Lois wrinkled her nose, scanning the room for the source. She knew it was silly to smell something like that is the office of all places, but she blamed it on her desire to be somewhere else. Her eyes locked on the only other person in the room, and as she moved closer, the smelled filled her senses so fully that she practically forgot who he was.


He looked up, eyes indifferent. “What, Lois?”

“I suddenly don’t want to be at work anymore.”

“Suddenly?” He grimaced, and Lois sent him a bright smile. “Uh, Lois, I think you made it clear you were tired of work quite a few minutes ago.”

Lois continued her strut to the side of Clark’s desk, doing a quick little turn on the spot while undoing the top button of her suit blouse. His eyes widened, but he was in obvious need of more convincing. “A few minutes ago I just didn’t want to write our article. Now, I just don’t want to do any work. Come on, Clarkie, it’s time to play.”

His eyes remained wide but now the eyebrows went up. He was so cute when he played innocent. “Play? What kind of play, Lois?”

“Oh, any kind of play you want, big boy. Cops and robbers, hide and seek, sardines, freeze tag, house. I’ll play the wife and you’ll play the husband.” She moved a little closer to him, bending down to get right into his face.

Clark cleared his throat and moved out from underneath her in nothing flat; it was almost like he teleported. “Whoa, slow it down, Lois. I think that lotion gave you a shot of something.”

Lois pouted, “But Clarkie, how can you say that?”

“One word: Clarkie.”

“You just have no sense of fun, you big lump. Come on, let’s go play.” Lois pulled his sleeve into her grasp, gripping it tight in her fingers. Clark reached down to pull her off, but she yanked him close to her so their chests were touching. “I know you want to. Weren’t you just complaining that we’ve never gone out?”

Clark pulled her hand off and dropped it like it was a dirty rag. “Lois, you’re not yourself. I’ve seen you like this before. Remember? Pheromones? Atomic Space Rats? We’ve been through this before.”

“Oh, but I know you loved me then. You kissed me, even.”



“Lois.” He grabbed her rudely by the shoulders and plopped her down into his desk chair. She let out of grunting noise and she threw him a glare. How was she supposed to go play with him if he wasn’t willing to play back? It made the whole process incredibly difficult. However, she knew he would give in eventually.

He knelt in front of her, making his sad little puppy dog eyes. He tended to use them when he thought she was acting childish; somehow he thought they would calm her down and remind her that she was being ridiculous. At least that’s how Lois saw it. She also knew that no matter how often he tried, it never worked. All it did was attract her more. How could anyone look so hot and so pitiful all at once and still wear glasses?

“Clarkie, please, I want to go play. We can play hookie, just…just a little game of cops and robbers, please? I’ll dress up in my Catwoman Halloween costume, ears and tail optional. You can be a cop in a uniform too small for you; I’ll bet Superman will let you borrow his cop costume. No! You need to find a Batman costume. Oh, that would be sooooo hot.” She pulled on his tie and brought his face to within inches of hers.

He didn’t break. That close to her, her hand grasped tightly on her tie, he didn’t break. He held his gaze, which turned from puppy dog to sympathy, and shook his head. “No.”


“Lois, this is just the stupid lotion talking!”

“How do you know?”

“I -- well, I just know.” He sighed, pulled his tie fast enough that a bit of it remained ripped in Lois’ grasp, and gave her his back. “If you were yourself, then this wouldn’t be happening, just as we discussed not even five minutes ago, and you seem to be easily susceptible to…unnatural feelings.”

“Unnatural feelings? You’re accusing me of not having real feelings for you?” Lois wasn’t sure, but the idea angered her more than she felt like it should.

“Yes, as a matter of fact, I am. This isn’t normal. Lois doesn’t ask Clarkie to play grown-up cops and robbers.” He growled a bit under his breath and picked up the lotion box. For a second, Lois got excited, thinking he was going to put the lotion on; she knew he’d love it as soon as he did. But instead, he pulled out a slip of paper that had been wedged on the side of the box. Curious, Lois got up, still clutching the ripped piece of tie, and read it over his shoulder.

Lois and Clark,

We haven’t fully tested this compound yet, but it sounds like it has a strong influence on people who are already experiencing a sexual or physical attraction. As far as we can tell, it only enhances previously existing feelings. Please feel free to talk to your sources and see what they know about this stuff. If you test it, you do so at the risk of your own health. Oh, and we like to call it “In-Stink-O-Cream.”

Dr. Kline

Lois grinned and chewed on her bottom lip. “Ha -- ha -- ha!” she said, punctuating each by poking Clark’s chest. “Natural feelings, just accelerated.”

Clark rolled his eyes and crumbled the paper to a pulp in his fist. “Lois, this is still not normal, okay? You’re not yourself, and anything we do would be taking advantage of you. I don’t want to do that.”

Somewhere in the back of her mind, Lois realized that if she was going to get anything out of the Kansas farmboy, she was going to have to tone it down. However, that didn’t mean they couldn’t still have fun; besides, Clark was doing a whole lot more looking at her exposed cleavage than her face, something that generally he was very gentlemanly about.

“We can skip the cops and robbers if you think that would be best. We’ll just have a good time.” She stood up, wobbly; she forgot that she took her heels off. She touched his chest gently, and Clark didn’t object. “We can just have fun, but first I think you need a little bit of lotion. Your face looks parched.” She reached down and picked the bottle up off of the table, and squeezed a little bit into her hands to smooth into his face.

At first he looked like he was going to object, but then he started to grin, and his eyes lit up with blue brilliance. Lois realized she’d never taken the time to notice every one of his delicious features, but most particularly his sexually charged smile. He mouth was curved just a bit at the tips, his lips lightly plumped to just the right volume for kissing, and his eyes determined. “See, Kent? I told you that Essence of Strawberry would be good for you.”

Clark grinned and wrapped his arms around her. “It really does help bring out my masculine side.” He pushed her a little closer.

Lois matched his grin. “See? I knew what I was talking about.” Triumphantly, she locked her lips to his. His lips fought for control, but Lois wouldn’t allow it; this kiss was hers. She could practically feel his desire reverberating from his chest, his heart pounding hard enough to move his shirt.

Clark started to walk backwards in the direction of the supply room, and as cliché as Lois knew it was, it was better than being out in the open, and waiting to get somewhere else was just out of the question. He tried to take control of the kiss again, closing his mouth over hers, but she shook her head and changed the angle, spreading their lips apart while changing the speed of the kiss.

Clark let out a groan and fumbled with her blazer buttons, still pushing his way back to the supply room; Lois was easy to pull considering how easily she slid in her panty hose.

Clark chuckled and pulled back to pull the blazer away from her shoulders. “I wonder why they called it In-Stink-O-Cream. You don’t stink at all. Not even close…”

“Oh yeah? What do I smell like?” she asked, kissing the corner of his mouth.

Clark moaned and closed his eyes, falling against the door before pushing it open. “A combination of ink and newsprint and some really old perfume.” He fell back into a chair and Lois laughed and straddled him. The proximity was exciting and nerve-wracking all at the same time; she couldn’t even remember the last time she was this close to a man…which meant it had been way too long.

“You want to know a secret, Kent?”

“What’s that, Lane?”

“You smell like a barn and hay.”

Clark laughed and nodded. “Probably.” He untucked her shirt from her pencil skirt running his hands up along her sides, letting his thumbs rub over her rib cage. “Completely natural feelings?”

A wave of goosebumps prickled the skin on Lois’ arms and she could feel it tingling all the way down to her toes. Clark’s scent was stronger and more enticing, and his eyes were looking hungry. Lois knew she was no longer in control; it was forfeit. She took a deep breath and sighed, waiting for Clark to make his move.

His hands were delicate, but his goal exacting. He was still Clark, however, so she wasn’t expecting him to act like a bad boy. He didn’t either; he opened her shirt just enough to expose the entirety of her cleavage, but not a sliver of bra was showing. He slid his hands up underneath her shirt to hold the bare skin at her waist, but otherwise kept their clothes intact. She tried to pull his tie off, but he gave her a slow head shake, and she halted. They weren’t rushed; they weren’t even sexually charged, per se, but his touch, his gaze, his deliberateness…

Her chills kept coming in waves, constantly threatening to make her shiver. His lips pressed to her jaw and she moaned lightly, pulling herself a little closer to him on the chair. He smiled his approval and then locked his lips against hers.

The world went fuzzy as the shiver her body had been building up shot out of her back in a sensual fury. Clark didn’t seem to notice, but he did lock their lips harder together, almost like he wanted to keep them together and throw away the key. When he brushed his tongue across hers, Lois couldn’t control the moan that came out of her mouth. It was a strange feeling, completely different than any makeout session she’d ever had. There was a complete emotional presence, one that was warm, soft, but still strangely overcharged.

Overcharged, and making her head fuzzy.

Fuzzy, and causing a headache.

Headache, and…kissing Clark!

Lois leapt to her feet, eyes wide while she fumbled to close up her blouse. “Clark Kent, what the hell do you think you’re doing?!”

Clark looked baffled, completely and totally confused. He thought he was confused? “You wanted to stop working and play, remember? And then I finally decided to agree with you.”

Lois scoffed. “Agree with you? Why—I—no! First of all, Kent, I would never agree to this. Second of all, I definitely wouldn’t agree to it at WORK! Third…you smell like manure!”


“Yes! Manure, deteriorating wood, and tractor exhaust. Go home and shower!” Lois stalked out of the supply room, slamming the door on him.

She collapsed back at her desk, slipping her heels back onto her feet. The hum of the computers and florescent lights, and the knowledge that she’d left a dumbfounded Clark in the closet, made her feel uncomfortable.

An open box sat on a table between their desks with a crumbled sheet of paper next to a bottle of lotion. Lois picked it up and inspected it, narrowing her eyes. “Oh right, that stuff Perry wanted us to look at,” she mumbled to herself to break the silence.

She turned it over and read the label: “Essence of Strawberry.” Lois looked around the room, shrugged, and rubbed the lotion on her hands.


Perry got to work the next morning tired, but hopeful. He had a huge gap on the third page, and Lois and Clark’s article would be the perfect space filler. That assumed, of course, that they had both stayed in the office long enough the night before to get it finished. That was the sort of thing they were both reliable with, however, so Perry had pretty high hopes.

He walked in to find the lights still on and frowned. They had gone home, right? Surely they wouldn’t have forgotten the lights. Howere, they weren’t anywhere in sight, so Perry shrugged and grumbled about wasted electricity.

Jimmy stepped off the elevator behind. “Oh, Chief! Hey, I was going to talk to you about some ideas I had now that we’ve got full Internet access in the office. I was thinking we should probably build up an intranet network.”

“Intra-what?” Perry had to admit he wasn’t really listening. The kid had good intentions, but the paper had run great for years with the Internet; it would run just fine without technological advancements beyond e-mail.

“Intranet, chief. It would be a system for connecting all the computers together and firewalling them so no one else could access them. We could digitize all the—“

“Where the Sam’s Hill is my article?” Perry asked, looking at his desk.

“What?” Jimmy asked, frowning. “Chief, weren’t you just listening to me?”

“No. Lane and Kent owe me an article. Where is it?”

Jimmy shrugged helplessly, and they both jumped at a squeal from across the room. Perry poked his head out from his office and looked over in the direction of the supply room. A few things crashed and clanged inside the room, and Perry looked at Jimmy warily. Jimmy shrugged and swallowed.

“You evil little monkey!” the same squealer said. A woman in a black jumpsuit, tail, and cat ears leapt out into the newsroom. At first Perry was ready to call the police to alert them that Catwoman was in the building, but then he took a better look. This Catwoman was not as tall as the Gotham original, and her suit exposed more definitive curves. Perry looked at Jimmy again, but Jimmy was a bit too busy staring at her curves to notice.

“You’ll never catch me, you little rodent. It’s a simple matter of being on top of the food chain. Feline above rodent.” Catwoman giggled and backed up into one of the support beams, eyes still fixed on the supply room door.

Batman -- a taller Batman -- came out of the room and struck a Superman pose. Jimmy snorted. “Chief, it’s Lois and Clark.”

Perry looked at him like he was crazy, but jumped when Batman spoke. “Food chains have nothing to do with it.” Perry froze and watched Clark charge at Lois. Lois yelped, let him push her against the beam and they shared a more-than-friendly kiss.

“HOLD IT!” Perry shouted, stomping over towards them. Jimmy was smart enough to stay back a few paces. He got up close to them, saw how realistic their costumes were and looked at them both like they were crazy, which -- at that particular moment in time -- he was pretty sure they were. “Great shades of Elvis, what the hell are you doing?”

Lois blinked at him. “Well, we were playing cops and robbers, but we decided the police uniforms weren’t attractive enough so we switched to a game of Catwoman and Batman. Rawr,” she purred, brushing a fake fingernail down Perry’s cheek.

“I see.” Perry nodded to the supplies. “What have you been doing in there?”

“Oh, we can’t tell you,” Clark said quickly. “We could lose our jobs.”

Lois giggled and tugged on Clark’s cape to pull him closer to her. “I just looove how authentic your suit is. It’s so sexy. Where did you get it?”

“I borrowed it from my friend, Bruce.”

“That was nice of him on such short notice.”

“What? Oh, I didn’t ask him. It’s rude to wake someone up at four in the morning.” Clark grinned and Lois giggled again before jumping up to lock lips. Jimmy snorted behind Perry, but the kid was smart enough to move outside of hitting range.

“Enough!” Perry growled. “What made you start acting like this? You were arguing when I left.”

“Oh, well, you see, Chief, we figured out that was really penned up sexual tension.”

“Tell me something I didn’t know, Lois.”

Lois pouted then ran into the supplies room and brought back a lotion bottle and handed it to him; most of its contents were gone. “So, this was that lotion we were supposed to test.”

Perry groaned. “You weren’t supposed to test it! You were supposed to find out information on it. I thought Dr. Kline warned you off testing it.”

Clark shrugged. “We read the note so long ago, Chief, I don’t remember what it said.”

“Of course you don’t. OLSEN!” Jimmy materialized at his side. He was really quite good at that. “Escort our Gotham visitors to S.T.A.R. labs and deliver them to Dr. Kline. Make sure you take your camera. Get some good enough shots and we’ll talk about getting you a front page byline featuring our usual front page byline writers.”

Jimmy grinned. “Yes, sir!” Without another word, Jimmy corralled Lois and Clark into an elevator.

Perry looked down at the bottle and flicked it up, smelling it with a smile. “I’ll bet Alice will love this stuff.”
leonhart_17: [l&c] otpleonhart_17 on November 25th, 2008 02:34 pm (UTC)
This is awesome! So funny! And you have their voices down perfectly! Awesome job!
Ashley: [supes] Doomsday running kissstarrylites on November 25th, 2008 06:04 pm (UTC)
Thanks! :) L&C really still flows best for me; it's the easiest fandom for me to write in.
A work in progress: Super Lois and Clarkancarett on November 25th, 2008 05:32 pm (UTC)
Oh, you made me so very happy! I love LnC fics (there aren't enough of them out there) and this one is so sweetly funny (and sexy and silly) in keeping with the early season vibe that it's just perfect! I love how Perry and Jimmy are there to wrap things up (wonderful lines there) but my favourite part has to be how Clark gets the Batman suit.

*giggles hysterically*

Thanks so much for this story!
Ashley: [L&C] b&w Lois leanstarrylites on November 25th, 2008 06:01 pm (UTC)
You are very welcome! I can't believe how long it got, but after I'd finished it, I realized that Perry needed to find them both totally drugged the next morning, so that did add to it, hah.

But I'm very happy you liked it =D
A work in progress: Christmas Lois & Clarkancarett on November 25th, 2008 09:14 pm (UTC)
Perry discovering them was the perfect ending for the story. This is one investigation that they could never be allowed to forget!
Barbara: Lois and Clark Teamhtbthomas on November 26th, 2008 02:43 am (UTC)
What a super-fun story! I love when Lois and Clark end up "not themselves" in a story. It made for some of the great LnC eps, so this was perfect. :)
Ashley: [L&C] wedding night kissstarrylites on November 26th, 2008 05:34 am (UTC)
Those are some my favorite brainless entertainment pieces :)

But thanks! Yours was incredibly awesome, too, I just forgot to comment after I read it. It gave me warm fuzzies.
Barbara: Lois Lane - Margothtbthomas on November 26th, 2008 10:59 am (UTC)
Thanks! :) Warm fuzzies are awesome. :)
Obsessed fangirl: Lois & Clark - I love Superman!babettew54 on November 26th, 2008 06:25 pm (UTC)
HAHAHA!! Hilarious! In the back of my mind, I was wondering ... is Clark faking it, then at the end... NAH! No way would he put on Batman's costume! But this is so funny! Lois just has to have her way, doesn't she? And she did...! *lucky girl*!! And Perry cracks me up!:D

a writer now: [smallville] cloiskatshakespeare on November 27th, 2008 06:26 am (UTC)
I never commented on this but but but I loved it. You write such fun and whacky NAOS stories. I love reading them. And the image of them as BN and CW was fab.